TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the town historically known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed in the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and completely from spot. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable h2o. But Indeed, confident, let us have One more location where by American men can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When prior negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: give Anyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often soft electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should really stop working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good people. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head seen from Place, a feature becoming marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… properly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Bewildering Capabilities


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where by guests may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what Trump Tower Damascus to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Eternally."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "where by's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting interest from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage may even contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have flip-down services."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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